Regrets

I have far too many regrets in my life. Just to name a few, until now;

• Not able to attend my most beloved grandma’s funeral. I was at the corner of my exam and i didn’t make an effort to go home. That was just excuses. I know why i don’t want to go home for the funeral. It is too painful. I don’t have the guts. I am so sorry Grandma. I always love you, so much. I am so thankful i manage to talk to Grandma for the last time just before she went.

• Not able to see my most beloved Grandpa before he passed away. I manage to attend his funeral. It was painful too. But with mum, grandma and all the aunties around gave me the strongest support to walk the final walk with Grandpa. Grandpa, sorry that i am unable to meet you for one last time, but you and Grandma are always in my heart. i pray for you both. I love you always.
  
  My maternal grandparents were always the most beloved people in my life. This is because they make me their beloved first. Mum always tells me that i was taken care by them since the day i born till 2 years old in a small town in Sarawak, Bintangor. Well, actually it was Sungai Siang which located in Bintangor. In order to get to Sungai Siang, we need to cross a river with a boat which cost 60cents per trip. It was mum’s home town. Mum was working in Sarikei, another small town which was 45 minutes away from Bintangor by car. Mum needed to work shift, so she left me and Jia in Sungai Siang. She only visited us during weekend. When i reach 2 y.o., mum thought she could take care of me, so i shift to Sarikei. Grandpa cried as i was carried away by mum.
  

I miss Grandpa. I miss the wrinkles on his face.

I miss his smile.

I miss his cough noise during dawn, which became my alarm clock.

I miss him in his short pants, topless with a hat, preparing to explore somewhere.

I miss his own-planted vegetables.

I miss his cup of tea.

I miss him sitting in his master rotan chair.

I miss the way he fanned me with a hand-fan.

I miss the bump behind his back. I miss massaging for him by standing behind his back when i was a little girl.

I miss his cooking during the festive season.

I miss Grandpa whistling while fetching me from the port when i was little girl.

I miss Grandma.

I miss the bump upon her forehead.

I miss her smile.

I miss her cooking a lot for us and asking us don’t stop eating.

I miss her telling us skinny eventhough we are fat.

I miss her voice.

I miss her smell.

I miss her mi sua, mum always says Grandma cooked the best mi sua.

I miss her looking at us eating and clearing up all the food while keep on saying, eat more, eat more.

I miss the pyjamas, pillow case and the blanket that she made.

I miss Grandpa and Grandma.

I miss the feeling of waiting them cycling home from the port after their routine market walk every day.

I miss Grandpa calling Grandma ‘Lao hu nu (old Lady), where is my tea?” I know Grandpa was mouth hard but heart soft. He liked to call Grandma old lady but deep inside he loved Grandma so much. They were the longest living couple who seldom fight. I must say i never see them fighting.

I miss the way they call me baby.

We used to visit Grandpa and Grandma when we were small. When i was in primary school, i’ll go back during each school holiday with my cousins. We would play and fool around. I remembered once i smoked too many of the leaves that my father called up to scold me. I thought i was addicted for a while. Luckily it was stoppable. Grandpa used to smoke and he made his own cigarettes. I thought it was interesting, so follow what he did. It was fun. I cut my hand once with a shaver knife. The cut was so deep that my sister said she thought she saw my bone. I still have the scar. Grandma took good care of me. It was not a scary phase. I’ve forgotten the pain but i do have phobia in shaver knife. Each day, Grandma and Grandpa would cycle to the port and take the boat trip to Bintangor. They would walk around, boast around and chits chat with their own kaki. Around 11am, they would be back. We would wait happily to see what they have brought back for us. Grandpa liked to bring back kom pia and Bintangor makes the best kom pia or bagels in this whole wide world. Grandma would always bring back fruits like apple. Each year we would also go back during the first day of CNY. At first, we used to stay a night. Then, as we grow bigger, we no longer visited Grandpa and Grandma during school holidays. We had exams to prepare and we had friends to play with. When we moved to Kuching, we no longer visit them, not even CNY.

Thia is a phase that we mst go throgh as we grow. I thank God for giving me such great grandparents. Thank you Jesus for making them such a lovely couple. They were one of the greatest thing happen to me in my life and i will always remember them. I love you, Ngiung, Ngie Ma.